There are different ways to think about what fitness is. So, I did a little research and found several different definitions. Merriam-Webster defines fitness in two ways: 1) the quality or state of being fit, or 2) the capacity of an organism to survive and transmit its genotype to reproductive offspring as compared to competing organisms. When you search for it on Google, the first definition that comes up is the condition of being physically fit and healthy; the quality of being suitable to fulfill a particular task or role; or, an organism’s ability to survive and reproduce in a particular environment. Of these, the one that usually comes to mind when I hear the word fitness is the first that comes up on Google – the condition of being physically fit and healthy. Synonyms include health, strength, and vigor, to list a few.
I think it’s probably safe to say that many of us think of fitness as physically fit. You may even have certain images of what “fit” people look like in your mind. It seems like I’ve been in pursuit of fitness most of my life. Though, that wasn’t what I initially set out to achieve; I just wanted to be thin. I wanted a body type I’d never have, because I’m simply not built that way. I had an unrealistic goal, because I was driven from an unhealthy mindset. This started when I was about 15 years old. From about the age of 10 through the age of 14, I was bullied on a daily basis about my weight, which, by the way, in hindsight wasn’t even anything extreme. I was a little chubby, sure, but I still can’t quite figure out why I was such a target back then. But, I digress.
Junior high was probably about the worst of it. I had five bullies – three boys and two girls. It was like they had some agreed upon schedule amongst themselves, as if on some sort of rotation. It was not just verbal bullying and humiliation, it was also physical. I had to have a doctor remove a stud earring from my ear lobe because one of my bullies threw a volley ball at my head so hard it literally shoved the jewel of the earring half way into my ear lobe. There was another time an unopened can of soda was launched at my shin in the middle of the quad not only hitting my leg and hurting like heck, but also exploding all over me in front of everyone. I was pushed down the concrete stairs at least once a week. One bully used to follow me around the cafeteria or quad at lunch, throw food at me and moo. And, of course, there was the daily verbal abuse from most, if not all of them.
Now, I’m sure they just thought it was a big joke and that they were showing off and thought they were funny. However, this had a significant, devastating impact on me. It still affects me in some ways today. People who haven’t experienced it don’t understand why I can’t just “let it go” because it’s “in the past.” Well, here’s the problem with that: it was daily and occurred when I was 12 – 14 years old; a time when you’re developing and in a stage of learning to adapt to and accept your changing body. I internalized all of it and I struggled tremendously at this period in my life. It morphed into self-hatred, hatred for my body, depression, shame, isolation. I fantasized about death. I felt unworthy to even exist. I couldn’t even bare my own reflection. So, by about the age of 15, I decided I was going to get skinny. That was my mission, pure and simple. I started exercising with my mom’s old aerobics tapes and an exercise bike we had. At the time low-fat was the big craze, so I restricted my fat intake. I dropped 40 pounds, but I still hated my body. It wasn’t good enough. I still didn’t look skinny. So, I decided I just wouldn’t eat. I stopped eating. I dropped even more weight. It didn’t matter that I reached that “magic” number on the scale. I still thought I looked disgusting. I’d stand in front of the mirror, crying and tearing myself to shreds. Awful, right?
Over the years, I gained the weight back. By age 21, I was fed up again. So, I took up weight lifting. I gradually became addicted to it as I saw my shape changing. Unfortunately, it still wasn’t enough. Yes, I’d dropped some weight, but I still didn’t look how I thought I should. So, I went on Atkins (low-carb), which was just becoming the craze at that time. I really started dropping weight with that. I got to my lowest weight ever and probably my most physically fit, but I still hated my body. I still thought I looked disgusting. As I returned to finish college, while also working full time, I gradually shifted off of the low-carb diet (plus it had been about 4 years and I was SO sick of it). Let me tell ya, there is a reason you’re starting to see information emerging advising against these types of diets. The change I made was to transition whole grains and fruit back into my diet; it wasn’t like I randomly started eating whatever I wanted every day; I was still eating healthy, but I gained weight back very rapidly (and I was still working out).
Eventually, I got fed up and workouts slowed down, but I kept trying. It continued for many years, up and down, up and down. However, the constant in all this was I kept exercising. I must have tried every diet known to man in between as well. Same thing, gain, then lose, then gain, then lose. The other constant was that no matter how much weight I’d lose, I still hated my body. I was never satisfied with any results. It never really occurred to me it was because of my mindset though. But, that is exactly what my problem was and until I learned to change that, nothing would’ve ever been enough. Thankfully, I came across something that encompassed all of it: workouts, nutrition, and mindset. I’ve been living this lifestyle for a year now, and while I’ve made great progress and not quite where I want to be yet, I love my body and I love me. It no longer hinges on a number on the scale, a certain size jeans, or whether I have washboard abs. Yes, I have goals along these lines, but I’m not waiting until I accomplish those to love my body. More importantly, my goals are now aligned with my body and body type. I’ve learned what is unrealistic for my unique physique and I’ve learned to accept and appreciate my unique physique. As a result of these shifts, my perspective on everything has shifted. My love of exercise and healthy eating (i.e., fitness) is no longer driven by changing my body because I hate it, but, because I love me and I want to be healthy and my best. It’s shifted from punishment for what I ate or how I look to self-love and healing.
Exercise has given me so much more than weight loss and more tone. It has helped me realize how strong I am, how capable I am, that I can do and overcome anything I set my mind to, and I always feel accomplished and invigorated after I work out. It makes me happy. It gives me a sense of power when things are happening that I don’t like, can’t change, and have no control or influence over. This is why fitness is one of the three core values and pillars that keeps me going through life’s challenges.
So, what turned all this around and how is it related to fitness? Well, if you are on a fitness or weight loss journey with the same initial motivation I had, you could set yourself up for failure or disappointment. It could lead you to one of these fad diets, for example, because you want to get the weight off quick, because then you’ll be happy and love yourself. However, then you grow weary of the fad diet, because it’s unrealistic to maintain long term in the first place and you gain it back, or, stick to it, but only for fear of gaining the weight back, and not really enjoying things as much as you could be. More importantly, you haven’t gotten to the root cause of the weight issue or body image issue in your mind. To get at that, you have to change how you talk to yourself and think about yourself. Even if you don’t believe it at first, you have to change the narrative and the things you say to you about you; because, your brain will do and believe what you tell it. If you’re going to succeed long-term with health and fitness, you have to start in your head. Evaluate why you want to lose weight or get fit. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself when you’re looking at your body in the mirror. Would you say it to your best friend, daughter, sister, mom, any other woman or person? If not, you’re probably not doing it with the right mindset. Fitness should be a result of self love; you pursue it because you love yourself and your body and you strive to better yourself.
I believe a lot of us overlook the mental aspect of health and fitness. Your brain, mind, thoughts drive everything. If you don’t address what’s going on in your mind and the mental aspects of why you want to be “fit,” then you’re missing what is probably the biggest component of health and wellness. Perception is reality. What you think and say, the body will follow. Speak life to yourself and others.