This post is about about why it is so important for us moms to put ourselves first. I’m gonna go on a limb and say I bet most of you are on the bottom of your priority list. I bet many of you often feel like you can’t find a single minute in the day for yourself. How many of you feel like you are so busy taking care of everyone else and doing for everyone around you that you have gotten sort of disconnected from yourself and who you are? Do you feel like you don’t have an identity outside being a mom and wife or spouse? Do you ever find yourself feeling angry or resentful towards those around you? Do you feel overwhelmed, or like you’re spread too thin; like you need a whole other you to keep up with all of it?
I have experienced this many times since I first became a mom. I didn’t even realize exactly the issue or that it was actually a choice I had been making every day, day in and day out. I didn’t even think I had a choice. I thought, this just must be how it is and I have to suck it up and manage. Right? Wrong! I learned the hard way not only is this not true, but how detrimental it can actually be to you as well as your family.
Around the time my youngest was about 2 years old, I had just gotten him down for a nap, and had the older two playing outside. As I was standing there looking out the window watching them, I just started crying. I wasn’t exactly sure why at first, but then it came into focus and I just remember thinking, “where did I go?” I realized in that moment I just felt like I had no identity anymore and almost like I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I realized I was starting to feel resentful and bitter. Not even necessarily at anyone or anything, but just in general, that that was my reality.
At this point in my life, I was in a high-level role in my job. It was very demanding and stressful. I noticed this culture among the women in leadership roles there, like this unspoken competition for who had the craziest calendar, got the least sleep, and worked the latest the night before. I remember listening to other women leaders talk about how they hadn’t eaten all day because they had no time, how they were up until some ridiculous hour catching up on emails, how much they had to do. Worse it was like this air of judgement toward those of us who had the audacity to want to be able to meet our basic physical needs; you know, like going to the bathroom when we needed to, eating when we were hungry, being able to make our kids dinner, and getting adequate sleep. I could literally feel the resentment toward anyone who dared do this. I heard them talk about others who dared to do things like go to bed at a reasonable hour like they were some sort of slacker for that.
I realize this may not be all female leaders or even necessarily just female leaders, but this is what I personally witnessed, heard, and experienced in my previous jobs. I remember asking myself why do we think this is necessary? What job is worth your health or the teensie bit of time you get in the evening with your kids? On top of the stress levels inherent in these positions, I had to spend about two hours a day in traffic (an hour each way) to get to and from work. I had to get up really early to get myself ready and the kids ready before the drop off rounds at school and day care. When I got home, it was make dinner, clean up, do my oldest’s homework with him, get kids ready for bed, rinse and repeat. Everything felt obligatory. I felt like I had no real time with my kids. On the weekends I didn’t want to do anything because I was so exhausted. The little energy I had went to all the house work I had to catch up on that I wasn’t able to get to in the work week.
It felt like my life wasn’t even my own. I was living to work instead of the other way around. I was burning the candle at both ends and most of my time and energy went to my job. What little was left after that was for my kids. I felt depleted. I found myself feeling apathetic a lot of times. As time went on, I became alexithymic, which I didn’t even learn about until years later. It’s basically where you are completely out of touch with your emotions and sensations of them in the body. If you’re curious to learn more look up “alexithymia.” I was in and out of depression and under such constant stress, one day I realized I had no real sense of myself anymore. It really scared me and I knew I had to figure something out.
I realized I had to do something. My kids deserve better than a depleted shell of me. I had to figure out a way to turn it around. At the same time I was realizing all this I was also still battling my weight and trying to lose the baby weight from my youngest. It turned out my drive and determination to do that is also what taught me the importance of and how to prioritize yourself. And when I say this, I mean taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually. So, let’s dive into why this is so challenging for moms and how you can do this for yourself as well.
How many of you have heard the analogy about the airplane crashing and how if you don’t put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help the person next to you with theirs, then neither one of you will survive? The first time someone put it to me this way it was like the light bulb went on. Suddenly there was a pathway in my mind to give myself permission to put myself at the top of my to-do list. In fact, it made me realize it was my duty as a mom, even as an employee and for any other role I need to fulfill for that matter.
Think about two scenarios. First, is the airplane pilot who is worn out, because they are not getting enough sleep. They aren’t getting good nutrition because they’re always short on time and grab whatever they can whenever they can. They aren’t clear-headed because of the lack of sleep and poor nutrition. Second is the pilot who gets adequate rest, gets exercise, and makes sure they fuel properly with good nutrition. They are always clear-headed and operate at their best. If you’re about to get on a plane and be tens of thousands of feet in the air, which pilot do you want flying that plane? You don’t have to have a job like an airplane pilot for this to matter. Your health and wellbeing is just as important!
Think about some of those times when you just didn’t feel like you were on you’re a-game. Think about one of those times maybe you yelled at one of your kids and you felt awful later. Back up from there and recall what else was going on. Was it a difficult day because there was too much on your plate that day? Were you rushed, trying to get it all done? Were you tired, because you didn’t get any sleep and you couldn’t deal with you’re child whining or whatever was going on?
When I reflect back on times like this myself, I can tie almost every one of them back to some symptom or outcome of me not having given myself what I needed. This can include a whole range of things, from not allowing yourself to grieve the loss of a family member, not taking a day to go do something for yourself to de-stress, to even the most basic things like adequately nourishing your body or getting enough sleep. Eating properly, getting exercise, and getting adequate sleep (at least 7 hours a night) are essentials, not some luxury or indication of weakness.
I believe one of the biggest reasons we do this is because there is some sort of shame or guilt around putting yourself first. As moms we’re expected to put our kids first, our families, our jobs. It’s like there’s some unspoken expectation to be at every dance lesson and soccer practice for every kid, keep an immaculately clean house, work the most hours, and make sure we accept every invitation and rise to any request of us without letting on that we are exhausted and overwhelmed. I can tell you from experience this is not sustainable. One way or another your body will force you to take a time out if you don’t start establishing some boundaries and prioritize your health and wellbeing.
I’ve gone into depth on how putting yourself last all the time and spending your every waking second doing for everyone else is both unrealistic and detrimental to your wellbeing in the long run. Now I want to list some of the benefits of putting yourself at the top of the list. So what does prioritizing yourself look like? In short, it is ensuring your basic self-care needs are met first. It means you are number one on your list of priorities.
Taking care of your wellbeing first includes your health/body, your mental health, and your spiritual health. Minimally, it includes:
- Getting adequate sleep (at least 7 hours).
- Properly fueling your body with good nutrition and hydration.
- Getting adequate exercise (at least 4 days/week).
- Connecting with God.
- Dedicating time in prayer and meditation, devotionals.
- Getting some time for yourself each week (to do something you enjoy, alone or with friends).
- Making time each day to do something you enjoy (cooking, art, dancing, singing, listening to music, coloring, puzzles, whatever the things you can get lost in for a little bit are)
Ok, so, now let’s look at some benefits of putting yourself before everyone else in the family. Again, think back to the oxygen mask analogy. You will be a better mom, wife or spouse/partner, employee, etc. You will have better mental clarity. You will have more energy. You will be in a better mood day to day. You will lose those feelings of anger or resentment, bitterness. You will start to feel more connected to yourself. Your own tank will be full, so that you are much better able to care for all the people in your life. You will overall be a better version of you. You will set a positive example for your children. You will improve your relationships.
Ok, so how do you do this? First, you have to drop the shame and guilt around it. Easier said than done, but essential. Second, decide to put yourself at the top of the priority list. I feel like this is really the hardest part of it because of all that guilt and shame, and the challenge to let go of feeling like we have to be everything to everyone and put ourselves last. I know for me; it took me a bit to work through that and get to where I could see it for the lie that it is. So, you have to really sit with it and process this a bit and be really honest with yourself about where you are right now. Are there things you are denying yourself for lack of time or money or some other reason? Do you feel like you are getting what you need for your own mental health, physical health, spiritual health? What would you do if you had an extra hour and a half every day, how would you spend that time? How would it feel to give yourself these things and you knew there was no consequence? What would you be able to give your children and spouse/husband/partner as a result of doing these things for yourself?
The third thing is establishing the boundaries for yourself. Find the time for these things for yourself each day, week, and month. These times are non-negotiable. You wouldn’t cancel on your boss or miss any of your other appointments, right? You wouldn’t skip brushing your teeth every day, right? Whatever part of your day, week, and month you decide is your time for you to fill your tank needs to be just as important. In some cases you will need to carve time out, in other cases other things have to go. You can also look at where you an ask others for help with certain things to create more time. Who can help with the kids once a week? Can you hire someone to help with the housework once a week? Are there other moms in your community you can connect with? For example, exploring Nextdoor or Facebook groups in your area.
A huge part of this is setting boundaries for yourself and not feeling bad about it. And a huge part of that is re-ordering your priorities once you decide to put yourself at the top. Over the years, I’ve shifted my priorities. It was really hard at first. Initially I struggled even sorting it out and separating, because everything felt important. But, you can’t be everywhere and there is only so much time each day. Eventually, I got it sorted out and now my list is as follows: God, myself, my kids, my job. If you’re married or in a relationship, then your husband, partner/spouse would be after you and before your kids. Everyone and everything else goes in the “other” category and they get the remaining time outside those other priorities as you determine.
Next, you prioritize and manage your time accordingly. The more you do this, the more apparent it will become just how unbalanced things may have gotten. This doesn’t mean you are completely eliminating other things or people, you’re just setting up the boundaries for yourself and working within those, and as a result you aren’t as available for everyone and everything as you may have been trying to be before. You won’t be able to please every person in your life, nor are you obligated to. Sometimes you will have to say no in order to keep your own boundaries. As a friend of mine once said, “no” is a complete sentence. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. This may affect some relationships with some people. Some people may even try and make you feel bad or guilty about saying no. You have to ask yourself if they really have your best interest in mind if they do that.
You have to remember this about protecting and caring for you, and by extension your family. Your wellbeing is important and it matters. We should never sacrifice that for the sake of our other obligations or other people; yet, we do this all the time. The better care you take of yourself, the better care you can give your own family, your extended family, your friends, and your job. Prioritizing yourself is not selfish, in fact it is quite the opposite. Taking the time daily, weekly, and monthly to give yourself what you need to be the best version of you is the best thing you can do for your family, friends, and all who depend on you. It can be as simple as adding ten minutes of meditation in the morning, to start with positivity and gratitude. It can be taking a break at lunch (instead of eating at your desk catching up on emails like I used to do). It can be a dance or painting class once a week.
When you prioritize your own wellbeing you are more efficient and effective in almost everything else you do. Your quality of life improves, your relationships improve, you handle life’s challenges much better. You are a better person in every way, you are better equipped for life, and you are more resilient. Stop trying to be everything to everyone and burning yourself out in the process. There is no eleventh commandment that you only matter after you have taken care of everyone else and check all the boxes off your list. All this said, it takes some practice and this will be a somewhat gradual process. You can start smaller, adding in some things in smaller increments of time. Others you can plan out in advance enough to give you and your husband or spouse time to plan. One of the bigger shifts I think you will find with this is learning to get comfortable saying no, communicating that you cannot do this, that or the other thing, without feeling the need to explain further. You simply cannot fit that into your schedule right now. Like many of the things we discuss here, this is all about changing old patterns and behaviors and it takes time. Be kind to yourself and give yourself grace.
I hope you found this helpful. I hope you will all take this to heart and make yourselves a priority. Please share in the comments what resonates for you and steps you are going to take to put yourself at the top of the list. If you’d like to continue the pursuit of faith, fitness, and joy with me, please also check out my Facebook and Instagram pages, also called Faith Fitness Joy, or the Faith Fitness Joy podcast, available on most podcast apps.