Set Boundaries. It sounds so simple and easy to set boundaries, doesn’t it? Yet, this is one of the most difficult things to do for most of us. We live in a culture that encourages and rewards hustle, which leads us to believe we have to do more, give more, be more, to “earn” the income we want, to have the life we want. This is complete garbage that really only serves your employers and the people who have become accustomed to you giving and doing and putting yourself last while putting everyone else first. If you are ready to break this cycle, set some healthy boundaries, and get your life back, then continue reading, because today I am walking you through how to set boundaries.
Being able to set and maintain boundaries for yourself is critical to getting started on and staying on your health and wellness journey. Lack of boundaries is one of the biggest reasons people struggle to get started with fitness and nutrition or to stick with it. We tell ourselves we don’t have time, we have to work late, we have to be at so and so’s event, and so on. This may be tough to hear, but none of this is true. We don’t truly have to do anything; we just convince ourselves that we do. So how do we shift this? How do we get ourselves out of this cycle of hustle and burnout caused by lack of boundaries? How do we set boundaries for ourselves?
- Evaluate where you are.
- Determine how you want things to change.
- Decide.
- Commit.
- Identify and release the limiting beliefs as the come up.
Some of you may remember the movie Office Space. The first time I saw that movie I just knew in my bones that Peter Gibbons was my spirit animal. One of the things he says in the movie was “human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements.” Not too long after I started working full time, I was faced with the question is this really it? I hated the idea that most of my life had to be spent at work. When I started adding up the amount of time we sleep and the amount of time we are required to be at a job, I realized how little of this one life we actually get to ourselves. It seemed so unfair and imbalanced. I wanted more of my time.
Obviously, I learned to accept that if I was going to pay the bills, I would have to work the 40+ hours a week, and I continued moving on in life. I tried to find a job that felt meaningful, and which had a mission I could get behind, and I had that for most of my career. However, it didn’t really change this feeling; the is this really it? feeling. Even though I identified with and felt exactly like Peter Gibbons from Office Space about work life, I have always been very hard working. Too hard working. I’ve damn near killed myself, quite literally, for my jobs. For over a decade, I’d work well into the night. My mind would be on work constantly. Eventually I started having panic attacks and health issues from the stress and pressure, which I only realized much later was self imposed.
I was driven and somewhere along the line my identity had gotten tied up in my job, worse, my sense of value and worth got tied up in my job. I promoted every 1-2 years consistently. I was always striving to better myself, become more, get to the next level. Then, I found myself in a situation where someone else in my organization set their sights on my job. They were subordinate in classification, but not one of my direct reports. This person slowly manipulated their way to where they wanted to be, and I wasn’t in a position to do much about it. When I tried it just created a bigger wedge between my boss an I. I eventually realized I was in a losing situation, and I had to let go for my own wellbeing. It’s a whole story for a different time, and it’s not really the point. The point is this situation ended up being a blessing in disguise because it gave me the “f*#k it” that I needed to finally put myself before my job.
This toxic co-worker, combined with my ongoing battle with depression, anxiety, and a horrible body image ended up creating the push I needed to finally get my mojo back. I found a weight loss program and dove in headfirst. I sat down and got clear on my why, my goals and I committed to myself right then that I was going to get my body back, my health back, and I was going to find my happiness. I decided it was high time I put myself first so I could be the mom I wanted to be for my kids and so I could live my life instead of existing.
So, how did I go from being a slave to my job and obligations to putting my boundaries up? Well, the situation I just shared sure helped, but in reflecting there was a process to it. So, here it is.
- Evaluate where you are.
Take some time and look around at your life. Is it what you truly want for yourself? Is every aspect of it how you would have it if you had the magic wand to make it what you want? In particular, look at yourself. Are you who you want to be? Is your body what you want it to be? Is your health where you want it to be? How is your confidence? What about your energy, do you have lots of it or are you running on empty?
It is so critical to be honest with yourself in this stage. It’s your life and whether you realize it right now or not the power to make it what you want is within you. So, ask yourself these questions and be totally honest with yourself on the answers. Journal it. - Determine how you want things to change.
Now that you’ve taken some time to evaluate where you are it’s time to determine what you want. Using the things you identified in step one as what you don’t like and aren’t happy with, what do you most want to change? In my case it started with my weight. I wanted to lose the baby weight. I wanted to feel confident in my skin. I wanted more energy. Pursuing this ultimately led to other things like learning to love myself no matter what weight, dreaming again about what I wanted in life, and finding joy right where I was, even though I still hated my job at the time.
The key here is to really feel into what you want. You want to make this bigger and more important than anything else. Make your desire to lose weight, be healthy, have more energy, and be happy bigger than your fear of what people at work will think or the guilt or shame of doing less so you can take care of you. Remember doing less doesn’t mean doing nothing. You can absolutely be a valuable employee, great mom, spouse, etc. without burning yourself out in the process. This is about bringing the scales back into balance so to speak. - Decide.
Now you know what you want to change, you’ve got some goals in mind for yourself, so it’s time to decide you are going to accomplish your goals and put yourself first. It really is as simple as deciding, that doesn’t mean it is easy, which brings us to step four… - Commit.
It’s not enough to decide, you must commit to your decision, more importantly you have to commit to yourself. This is no different than any other commitment we make in life, yet we are so much more inclined to break commitments to ourselves than we are to break commitments to others. We are conditioned to believe it is somehow selfish to prioritize ourselves, when it’s about the least selfish thing you can do. It might sound selfish to put yourself first, but you are so much better for everyone and the world as a whole when you are at your best. Think about it, you’re kinder, more effective, happier, and better overall when you take care of yourself. In order to do that, you have to be your first priority. So, commit to doing this. Commit to putting yourself first; eating healthy, exercise, getting enough sleep, spending time with those you love, doing things that bring you joy. You are no longer habitually going to give the time that goes to this to other people. Instead, you are working them into whatever time is left. - Identify and release the limiting beliefs as the come up.
All of this that I’ve talked about so far takes time, consistency, and work. You are undoing a lifetime of conditioning here, so it doesn’t happen overnight. As you do all these things you are going to be confronted with one or all of the following at various points in time: guilt, shame, fear, doubt, and some relationships changing or possibly falling away. This is normal and to be expected. There are two reasons for that. First, your ego likes the comfort of your norm; it does not like change and it will fight you when you start trying to change. It does this by throwing emotions like guilt, shame, doubt, and fear at you. As you establish new norms for yourself this will lessen. Until that time, you will have to learn to recognize what is really behind these emotions coming up. Check out my Seven Steps for Healing Emotional Triggers for help with that.
The second reason, which is regarding your relationships changing, is that there are people in your life right now, who are aligned with the current version of you. As you start to set boundaries for yourself and improve yourself, some of these folks are not going to want anything to do with you anymore. Some will not like it because it will make them more aware of what they are not doing. If they do not wish to change, they will pull away from you. It sounds harsh but let them. Because just as some people in your life will pull away, others will lean in and find inspiration in you. You will also make new relationships as you progress. So try not to let this deter you. Understand as your relationships start to change it is a signal that you are growing and becoming a better version of you.
So, that, my friends is how you establish boundaries for yourself so you can be a better you and live a life you love. It can be challenging at first, but I promise it is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and you will thank yourself one day if you do this. I hope you will do this for yourselves.
I would love to hear from you, so please share your thoughts in the comments. If you find this helpful and want to continue the pursuit of faith, fitness, and joy with me, please like and subscribe. You can also find Faith Fitness Joy on Facebook and Instagram or check out the Podcast. Thanks for stopping by and I hope to see you in the comments and on the socials!